Here at the University of California, Santa Barbara, once a year there comes along a special event that takes the world by storm. It’s an event that everyone plans for at LEAST a month in advance. Chances are that if you live in this blissful community of Isla Vista, you have had at least three friends from out of town ask if they could stay with you over this gallant weekend of tomfoolery. Yes, dear people, I’m referring…to HALLOWEEN.
Halloween is a time of year for everyone to escape the horrors that are the first four weeks of college. After all, who can bear going to 2 classes a day, 4 days a week, and only staying awake in half of them? I sure as hell can’t. And what’s up with scheduling all these midterms around the weekend? How dare they put ANYTHING on week 5 of a 10 week quarter! It’s like I’m in…college or something. Moreover, Halloween is an excuse to walk around outside in nothing but a large t-shirt, call it a costume, and only be mildly assaulted for it. I admit that 1 out of the 3 ideas I had for Halloween costumes was to go out with a hairdryer and call myself “Hairdryer Man”, but at least that’s got some ingenuity and class. And I immediately respect anyone that goes out as an eskimo (and by that I don’t mean a slutty eskimo, or a slutkimo, as I like to call it), because let’s face it, you’ll be a lot better off than someone who’s a half-naked pirate.
While we’re on the topic of slutty costumes…what’s the deal with slutty costumes? I mean, aside from the obvious “look at me, I do lots of coke and weigh 80 lbs and have a hot body” aspect of it, has anyone thought about the historical liberties that “slutty” costumes take? Let’s not forget that what we Gen Y-ers think of as promiscuous has only been the case for about 40 or so years. I’m pretty sure that in the arrr-ful pirate eras of the 1700s, a woman who was on a pirate ship was most definitely NOT a pirate, but more of a sex-slave to the large, ale-swigging captain of the ship, which is definitely NOT what the women of today are going for. The same goes for other historically inaccurate costumes, such as slutty nuns, slutty nurses, slutty astronauts, slutty prostitutes, and slutty ninjas. If you do, however, decide to dress up as a slutty Ann Coulter…well, I have no complaints about that.
My favorite part about Halloween is how many diverse people I meet while wandering the streets. There is nothing more enjoyable than to see someone peeing on a parked car, walking up to him, and then finding out that he’s from UCSD. I think it’s great that San Diegans come up here to pee on our cars, really. Upon further interviewing, you can discover all sorts of information from our out-of-town friends. People come to IV for various reasons, including “banging hot UCSB chicks,” “getting piss ass drunk,” “assaulting the police horses,” and “banging hot UCSB chicks.” I think it’s great that IV attracts such a diverse crowd, and I for one always get a bit of a rush when I see Embarcadero del Sur clogged with cars trying to naively drive down to “The DP,” and it really impresses me that so many people would drive for hours just to get “hella drunk” and possibly have drunken intercourse with someone who’s probably not even from Santa Barbara. Anything that can make our population rival that of a World Series game for a 6 day period is A-ok with me. Congrats to the Cards, by the way.
In summary, I don’t think the county does a good enough job of promoting Halloween in Isla Vista. Just think of the revenue they can get by putting up a toll booth on Storke and El Colegio and charging people $1 to go through. Forget Measure D. I think Arnold should make IV tolls a top priority for his campaign…I know he’d get my vote. Also, the county could set up a booth and have a “Sluttiest slut” costume contest. It could be a family event. Hell, it IS Halloween, promote child trick-or-treating! Afterwards, the kids could ride police horses down the street and take pictures of the lines of arrested people (including Dad, who swore she was 18). Fun for the whole family!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go prepare my “slutty Thomas Jefferson” costume.